I am writing this primarily for you as a woman, but men: don't click away. Because insecurity in the bedroom is a universal theme. It may well be the biggest mood killer between the sheets.

I have been married for more than 20 years now, but I can still vividly remember the early years. Was I nervous? Absolutely. Did I dare to literally and figuratively expose myself? Hardly. I was tense, preoccupied with how I looked, and preferred to keep the lights off. "As long as he doesn't see that..."

By now, with a lot of love, patience, and reassurance from my husband, I have largely lost that insecurity. And perhaps even more importantly: as I get older, I have become a lot gentler with myself. I wish the same for you. Because as the owner of Intimitijd, I speak weekly with women who struggle with their reflection, and I think that is a shame.

Insecurity and sex: not a good match

Insecurity and sex do not go well together. You are afraid of how you smell, how you move, whether your belly is flat enough, or what sounds you make. The result? You are in your head instead of in your body. While your partner is probably enjoying themselves, you are preoccupied with a negative internal dialogue. Because of this, you cannot surrender, you find it harder to get excited, and an orgasm is often nowhere to be found. A shame! Because I want you to have sex where you both enjoy it just as much, without inhibitions.

Where does that critical voice come from?

No one is born insecure. It is learned behavior, fueled by a world that constantly tells us how we should look. Even if you know that those perfect pictures on Instagram are heavily edited with filters, A.I., and Photoshop, the comparison virus creeps in. Did you know that research shows that social media directly contributes to a more negative body image? We compare our real, raw lives with the highlights of someone else. No wonder we feel 'imperfect'.

Fortunately, there is a countermovement (body positivity), but the real change does not start on your timeline, but within you.

From shame to 'shining' again: 3 Tips

You learned insecurity, so... you can also unlearn it. Easy? No. Possible? Yes! Here are three steps to get started.

1. Look with gentle eyes (The Mirror Exercise)
This is the most exciting, but most effective exercise. Go stand naked in front of the mirror. Not to quickly put your clothes on, but to really look. Your first tendency is probably to zoom in on what you do not find beautiful: that little roll of fat, those stretch marks, that mole. Try to park that thought. Look again, but now with gentle eyes. Say out loud what you do find beautiful. This is called positive affirmation. By training this, you learn to see your body as a whole again, instead of a collection of 'flaws'.

2. Stop comparing
Do you notice that you become insecure because of certain accounts, series, or movies? Press that unfollow button. Protect your heart and your head from unrealistic expectations. You do not have to meet a photoshopped ideal image to be a great lover.

3. Discuss it with the other person
Shame grows in the dark, but disappears in the light. Tell your partner what you are insecure about. There is a good chance they will look at you and say: "What are you talking about? I think you are beautiful!" When you are making love, they really are not preoccupied with your cellulite. They are preoccupied with you, with your pleasure, and with the connection. Let them reassure you. Sex is not an Olympic sport in which you have to perform; it is a journey of discovery that you make together.

Finally: Made in His image

As a Christian, I can give you one more truth, one that goes deeper than any psychological tip. You are made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). God formed you with attention and love. Male and female He created them, and He saw that it was good. May you look at yourself with that same gaze?

Does this sound like more honesty?
Do you want more inspiration for your love life and practical tips to get started on this together? In our free inspiration magazine we give you honest information and practical tools for a sex life without shame, but with pleasure.

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