I'm now approaching my 40s. And to be honest: I'm very happy with this phase. I know who I am, the uncertainties of my twenties are gone, and I feel comfortably settled as a wife, mother, and entrepreneur.

Yet I also feel the downside. Because this phase of life also demands quite a lot. The bar is set high. I want to excel at work, be a committed mother, a loving partner, have a clean house, and also make a difference in my community. Sounds familiar? Probably. We put quite a bit of pressure on ourselves (and each other).

But have you ever thought about what that high bar does to your love life?

Stress as a mood killer

During the lockdown periods in the Corona era, I was forced to face the facts. The 'mandatory' rest had an unexpectedly positive effect on our family and my relationship. Suddenly, there was time and space. Now that life is back in full swing, we are falling headfirst into the trap of cramming our schedules full again with work, sports clubs, and social obligations.

The danger? Stress. And stress is just what kills your desire for sex. Chronic busyness causes your body to produce cortisol, which suppresses your sex drive. Moreover, stress causes you, especially as a woman, to get stuck in your head. And having sex while a shopping list is running through your head is not a success for anyone.

Accept or invest?

Sometimes you get discouraged by the perfect pictures on social media. Does it always have to be spectacular? No. You have a choice.

1. Accept: Are you at peace with a lower frequency because life simply is a high-performance sport with small children and jobs? Then communicate that to each other! Let go of the "three times a week" norm. If the connection is good and you're okay with once a month: great. Take that pressure off.
2. Invest: Do you want to make it a priority? Then that requires choices.

How we do it (with 3 children and a business)

Personally, I find that a regular sex life is essential for our relationship. We have explicitly agreed: whatever life demands, this remains a priority. Easy? No. With our own business and three children, our lives are pretty full.

That's why we make hard choices. Where I used to fill my weekends with social visits and volunteer work, we now set boundaries. A maximum of one social activity per weekend. Why? Because all those stimuli cause restlessness in my head and stress in my body. And since our love language is 'touch and intimacy', I choose to save my energy for that.

5 Tips for More Time for Each Other

Do you want to invest more in your intimate connection despite your busy life? Here are my five practical tips:

1. Scheduled Sex (Yes, Really!): Plan a date night. It sounds unromantic, but it ensures that it actually happens and gives you something to look forward to.

2. Morning Glory: Too tired in the evening? Set the alarm a bit earlier (before the children wake up). Your head is still empty and you are rested. Morning sex is often surprisingly nice!

3. Make Desire: Don't wait for lightning to strike. Sex is often responsive: just start with cuddling and intimacy, even if you are "neutral". The excitement often follows naturally.

4. Talk About It: Do you find it difficult to start talking about your desires out of the blue? Use a tool. The game Open Hearted in Love helps you open the conversation in a fun way.

5. Offline = Connection: Leave that phone out of the bedroom. Scrolling for just a bit longer is the biggest killer of intimacy. Buy an old-fashioned alarm clock and snuggle up against your partner instead of staring at your screen.

Bonus Tip: Really Get Away for a Bit

Especially for couples who want to escape the stress for a while and invest a weekend in their love life, I have developed the Intimitijd Love Weekend . Think of it as a fully catered do-it-yourself relationship retreat, but just at your own home (or in a nice little hotel, cabin in the woods).

Give yourself (and your partner) genuine time and attention for each other.

👉 Curious? View all the info about the Love Weekend here.